Usually, I agree with everything she says. With my psych degree, we are usually on the same page with the various topics we cover during our sessions, but today I doubted her. We were discussing my rapist and she asked me if I was mad about the whole ordeal. Mind you, this happened about two years ago. I don't know if I already processed my "mad" emotion while I was going through it or soon after I left him, but she was baffled that my current state regarding the ordeal is "sad". I’m no longer mad. She thinks maybe I just have suppressed anger about it but y'all.. I think its just sadness. I'm sad, to relive it. I’m sad, that I was that weak for it to happen so many times during our relationship. I’m sad, that I wasn't strong enough to leave before it got to that point. I’m sad, that I ever met him. I’m sad, that he continued to prey on women after me and I didn't do anything about it when I thought it was just me. Now that we are taking him to trial? I don't know how I feel. Relieved? I am relieved that finally I am strong enough to do something about it. I am relieved, to know that all the people that I thought would shun or shame me, have my back to hold me through this process if I get weary. I don't need a pity party for this, that's not what the post is about. I am just frustrated with myself that the younger me couldn't and wouldn't do anything about the abuse. I don't think there is a "right" or "wrong" way to feel as a victim. I don't believe I HAVE to be mad, I think that it's okay to be sad about it. That sadness and hatred within me is enough to fuel what needs to be done throughout the trial. I will tell the truth as I sit on the stand and answer questions. I am not mad. I want everyone to know what he has done to myself and many other women, and that he is not untouchable like his *high and mighty* god complex has led him to believe, and ultimately- I am DRIVEN to ensure the justice system knows who [him] they are dealing with so no other women ever have to deal with his manipulations and abuse ever again. He took away lots of things from me. Many people just want to focus on "oh my God, he raped you". Yes, that was absolutely terrible. In my case, the emotional, verbal, and mental trauma is still weighing heavily on my chest. I still see him, every day. Not physically, mentally and emotionally. I guess you can say that I am mad about that part. I can't date a man, two years later, without constantly wondering if they mean what they say to me, if I don't cook or clean for them they won't want me, if I’m pretty enough, if I’m doing well enough in my career. But that ends now. I'm no longer going to let him continue to destroy my life when he's no longer physically present in my life. You know why? Because no matter how many times he told me I wasn't.. I am enough, I am worthy of love-without lies and abuse, I will be just fine.
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