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The Dark Night

Everyone has their own story, everyone has their own timeline of shit that they not only went through but often times are STILL going through. I, by no means, would every try to compare mine to anyone else's-but shit is hard guys. For starters, it doesn't help that from a young age I constantly wanted (and still want) to be the best for everyone. Be the best for the kids since we spent so much time together alone when we were little. Be the best for my ex-step dad (who I called daddy until I was thirteen) but he still didn't want me when my mom left him. Be the best for my mom but she didn't stay with me-she left and went to GA to her boyfriend who she believed over me when I told her he called me a selfish bitch (at 13) and told me selfish bitches die alone. Be enough for my first adult boyfriend but he still sexually/mentally/emotionally/and verbally abused me. Be enough for my dad, stepmom, and sister but they still wrote me off just because they don't agree with me dating right now. I mean, who does that? I may have a lot going on in my life right now but of no fault of my own. Shouldn't your family support you when you just want to be happy? LITERALLY no one Is perfect but Jesus Christ and yet here we are-them expecting me to be that. Yes, yes. I know that I should just let it roll off my back. But when you add all that shit together, you get a 24 year old enduring a legal case against a guy she loved and dated through four years of abuse because she was too scared to leave, that basically has no home because the one where all of her belongings are are with three family members that are basically shunning her because she decided she wanted to start dating again and they disagreed. You get a girl that is now dating who seems to be an amazing man, has done nothing but reassure her and support her, but she STILL is terrified that the other shoe is going to drop at any moment. Why should he choose me if my ex stepdad didn't? Why should he stay if my mother didn't? why should I be enough if I wasn't for my ex who I still tried to make happy while getting abused? Why should he want me if my dad, stepmom, and sister have written me off-why not him too? I know that may sound dramatic but by God its my every other thought. I am constantly worrying about whether or not I am enough for everyone and most people have proven that I am not. I wholeheartedly just want to be happy and help make those around me happy. I know what it feels like to be shit on all day everyday so I try my best to make everyone feel good and smile. But the moment they're done with me. The moment I don't live up to their standards. The moment I become inconvenient for them. Its over. I’m done. And to be honest, it doesn't feel that great to know I’m so disposable. But you know what? Fuck all of that. I know deep down that I AM enough. I didn't deserve to be left. I didn't deserve to be raped. I didn't deserve to not be chosen to be loved at thirteen. I don't deserve my family not talking to me because I am choosing to date. You know what I do deserve though? this happy relationship that I am currently in. Some days are hard, and it hits you randomly-like it just did me for the first time in a while during my shower. But that's okay, chin up, tomorrow is a new day. Not only that, tonight I’m going to bed in the arms of a man who I know will never abuse me like people from my past. That is so comforting to know that. It's okay to be a little scared, its totally understandable to have walls up because of a dark past. What is not okay is to deny yourself of happiness. Realistically, you should not worry about whether or not someone is going to stick around. The thing you should worry about is whether or not you will be okay if that happens-you have to be! You have too much to live for, to be happy for. The only person who truly looks out for you and has nothing but good intentions at the end of the day... is yourself... so treat yourself well. Do what makes YOU happy, no one else. Because YOU are the one who has to live with those decisions and experiences you chose to be or not to be apart of.

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